I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me
that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.
You were crying because you hate wine coolers but you really wanted to prove you could finish it
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
I threw up in my closet when I was hammered last night. Like a fucking toddler. I can't play with the grow ups.
My mom has had 5 shots of fireball today and she's still functioning normally... She's just extra polite.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Why is "Oprah of drinks" written on my arms?
You said to write it on you, after you kept saying, "You get a drink, you get a drink, everyone gets a drink."
Turns out I screen transfered my streaming trucker restroom porn vid to the downstairs neighbors'TV instead of my own, damn you chromecast
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
