She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
I wish you would stop telling everyone that your cock turned me into a Bears fan.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
It'll be a romanticized airport meeting until I'm judged for sitting on his face in the terminal
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Sorry for cyberstalking your dad.
This is it. This is the birthday cake that gets me laid.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
