It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.
WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock
We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
im ready to get drunk and forget everything ive learned this semester
Randomize
