I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I'm eating all of the evidence.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
No man we're leaving now. The party will probably be busted soon. O and a bitch started throwing knives around the place, like real actual knives.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Everclear isn't food dammit
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
you poured beer in your mouth so you could be a beer pong cup for her to drink out of/make out with
Did it work?
Randomize
