M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Starbucks introducing alcohol. i hear angels singing.
You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
So my Mom pointed out my vibrator on the night stand next to my stun gun and reminded me of how much I drink.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
You literally asked him, “Do you come here often? Do you want to visit my vagina?” With no hesitation
Randomize
