i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
Mom just told me I need to start having sex.
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
(919) the date's not going well. He's on his phone talking about his eBay amine shit...
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