OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Ducking stuck downtown...all the fuxkig roads are blixkded
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Obama just said the words "we're all in this together." I wanted to start singing high school musical
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Are you two whores ready for me to turn the light on so you can see what you came home with last night?
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
Randomize
