my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
I just don't know about this life anymore. Quite frankly I think I belong up there in the great blue, lounging on a cloud sippin tea with Jesus
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
I have a broken liver
I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
with hottub sex, handcuffs, Pocahontas themed lap dances, and eating pumpkin pie off each other, I'm gonna say thanksgiving will be a success ;)
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
I've orgasmed four times in the past 24 hours. And my mom's dropping off cookies later
I'm cooling my balls with a beer because I'm too cheap to turn on the AC
MY DAD KEEPS LIKING PORN LINKS/ALBUMS ON FACEBOOK AND THEY ALL SHOW UP IN MY NEWSFEED
I need a beard to bite.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
