I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
There are regrets in my world today- mostly jager at that fucking altitude
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
See what happens when I don't get laid? I make poor life decisions, like buying baby ducks.
So besides your brother walking in on you shaving and singing "I'm gonna get asssss" how was your night
Do you remember coming over and asking for toast and then singing that yeah toast song very loudly while you were dropping my bread all over my kitchen?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
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