What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
GETTING HORNY AT RANDOM IS REALLY FUCKING INCONSIDERATE.
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
Randomize
