so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
We got so high yesterday we tried watching soccer
I'm gonna keep this simple. I threw up in your pillow case. Sorry.
I love having hate sex.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon
WHEN JENDA BENDA THE DRAG QUEEN TELLS YOU TO RUN, YOU RUN, BITCH!!!
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
Randomize
