how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
I was totally going to sleep with him, until he got naked and started swinging around his boner singing "I'm so hard. oh yeah yeah yeah, I'm so hard" like Rihanna.
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
"The cab driver felt bad for us so he stopped to buy us chocolates. That counts as a valentine!"
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
It will be too late. I will have fornicated with the enemy by then.
And besides a nice relationship, I just really want to get laid damnit
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
The beauty of getting kicked out of college again is I can fuck my professor's brains out and she can't get fired now
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