My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
I was on etsy and I'm like those boobs look way too familiar
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
Randomize
