I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often
I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.
Get dressed, I have 50$ and you need a new beer pong table since we threw yours off the 8th floor last night.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Idk you're asking me for advice on dating bro, after I told you I got a convicts number today.
You told me you were trying to learn all the MLB ballparks while you waited for your porn to load.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
My brother is coming home and he is bringing a whole bunch of friends with him. I am making him a cake. What should i put on it?
"Open for business" or "I have condoms" would probably work
Randomize
