I'm laying in your front yard are you home
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
YOHYFONSO!! YOU ONLY HAVE YOUR FIRST ONE NIGHT STAND ONCE!!
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
Just trying to get my dicks in a row.
he's like watermelon oreos; I know they're gross and weird and I shouldn't like them, but I can't stop eating them because they're there.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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