It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
Do you think we could brew coffee with beer? I'm thinking a hazelnut Guinnesspresso can only end with pure awesome.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
Is it weird that my ex and the dude I'm talking to now both only have one testicle? Apparently I've found my type..
I think he bit my vagina. Who does that?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
I just quoted part of the Pokemon theme song in a sext... And it worked
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
She stripped naked and ran around the outside of the house while I stood by the tent holding her clothes shouting "come back" because I was too drunk to chase her. This is why we can't have nice things.
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