Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
you kept yelling "this bitch stole my phone" to the guy who found you passed out in the parking lot
well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
i told her i wanted to be the Neil Armstrong of her vagina,
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
Am I required to send a Christmas card to my fuck buddy?
I'm actually glad the whole thing's over now. It's exhausting to fake a pregnancy.
Imagine not having to fake it.
Yeah, I should never have kids, probably.
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
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