I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.
I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.
I'm sorry but I require more work than your hamster. I need food, a minimum of 5 pillows, and I need to be played with daily.
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
He was so drunk and proud of his 6-month-gym-results he actually made me touch his whole naked body.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
So basically I really like drugs AND banging cops and it's starting to get complicated
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
It was rocky mountain showdown of course we got shitfaced and talked about eating buffaloes
Randomize
