u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I caved and texted him. But it's strictly drug dealing business so it doesn't count.
the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Randomize
