Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I am thinking about buying a decorative chest for all our sex stuff....
Enjoy the penises
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
You tore a poster off a lamppost and ATE IT. That drunk.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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