Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
A female Wisconsin fan just headbutted the bouncer. Im deeply terrified and oddly aroused at the same time.
I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Do pleather leggings scream im easy on a first date?
Just smoked the bong while taking a dump. I love living by myself.
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
So is seeing the guy's penis that I'm talking to something you're into or nah?
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
you asked how they got the microwave in the air. we had to explain three times that it was mounted there until you finally feel asleep
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
He just fucked me into paralysis. can't feel my hands or face.
Randomize
