I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
I blacked out at the bar, and blcked in getting a handjob on a roller coaster. Sober me is jealous of drunk me.
I fingered her though her window because she couldn't leave
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
So it turns out that a Ford Focus does not fit in a Walmart cart return.
hey, just so we're clear, next time we go swimming drunk at my house, we have to use the floating chairs instead of my mattress. i'm not sure how to get it out of the pool.
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
I live in Vegas It shouldn’t be this hard to find a penis looking for a night of no strings attached sex
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