This is not my ceiling
barbara walters just said penis...
I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
He started to notice that i sleep with every girl he calls dibs on.
i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.
And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata
no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
No one with a hairstyle like that is allowed to insult anyone for anything
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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