when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
We need a plan...
Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No one likes a giant penis on their phone screen. I mean cmon. I'm a lady.
You could be a whistle.. And just ask bitches if they want to blow you all night
Sometimes I just want to kiss you without you pulling ur cock out and waving it at me
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
You have thirteen minutes to get here if you want to get back together. Otherwise I'm getting digits from the waitress.
Randomize