Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Are you still going to come over for your post Alcoholics Anonymous beer?
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
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