She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I now own a bag of cigarettes and have no purse, awesome
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
There was a group of girls next to us. One was smiling at me. I only remember walking up and saying "oh you're Russian". Not sure where it went from there
who orders an old fashioned in 2014? even my Grandparents think you're an asshole.
I found you laying in a field of grass near the trail I jog on in the morning like a drunken Bambi.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
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