matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
That accounts for only three of the penises
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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