I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa
i'd rather walk the sahara in a snuggie with no water than take a bicycle cab
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
she said she could "feel the heat of my groin" against her. ruined the whole fucking moment.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Less talking, more tequila
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
if Anne Taylor knew what she did in her clothes, she'd be banned from the store.
oh come on, it's the perfect length summer dress to blow a stranger in the bathroom in
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
Randomize
