Dude i have a 6th sense for when bagel bites are ready.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
I had a great penis washing session in the sink before I left. Washed off all the bar and green beer
Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
A boy in some branch of the military kissed me I think I'm going through an American sniper phase
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
Floor bacon is actually really good
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
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