You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
i dont know what to do
with your life?
no, with my silly bandz, im already wearing 3
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.
Come down off the roof.
Had mirculous sex while watching miracle. Until she got mad that I kept quoting the movie. Not my fault I'm a good multi-tasker
Do you believe in miracles?
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
You know you turned your life around when your drunk eating salad at 3 am on a Friday night
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
For some reason she gave me a handjob. It was all very confusing
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
Randomize
