I'm about to cry with happyness at the beer that will be consumed
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I literally just fucked insane clown pussy. 24 yo nut job moonlights at children's parties. Gave me head while still in full clown makeup from my kid's birthday party.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Please hurry up and come back. This is so awkward. He's showing me banana videos.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
I think my dick has healed enough that we can start having sex again
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