Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I know. It was just so disappointing. I almost made it. And now the "when's the last time you peed your pants" clock has restarted. Lol
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Oh shit. My bra is undone and I'm pretty sure I peed on my sandal
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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