in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
Apparently it is frowned upon to ask the bouncer to stop pointing his flashlight in your face and step back so you can puke....and then do it
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
with a cock that big I don't even care that he makes a convincing drag queen
do i respond to the booty call for the guy with the bigger dick or the one who has the gourmet coffee i like so much? at this point i'm leading toward the coffee
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Found sauce from last night's pizza rolls wedged under my phone case... While sitting in my 8 am class. What happened last night?
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
