i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
talked to my RA about stamps and mailmen again. when do you think she'll realize that i only talk to her when i'm high?
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
I gave up. I'm crying over my notes. Oh, ya know, just another drunk finals week
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I told you he wasn't attractive.
Do you think I cared? I was wiping myself with a scarf..
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
He said it wasn't ladylike of me to drink more whiskey than him. I told him to stop being a little bitch.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
Randomize
