you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?
A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.
You fucker.
I just ordered 30 klonopins from India that could probably be anything from Viagra to Midol. You need to find another friend to get advice from right now
Did you send me a snapchat of your sister triple kissing two other girls?!!! You might be the greatest friend the world ever made
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
In the words of Disney’s Jafar, “desperate times call for desperate measures.”
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