How come twittering sounds sexual?
Because of Bambi.
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I'm not really that drunk, but I think vampires should glow in the dark because otherwise it's just unfair
Found more tequila
Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?
She told me she gets scared easily and that I had to protect her. Then I made a condom joke that ended up making her cry... All bad dude
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
How do I cancel buying spotify premium for two homeless people?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
Listen, I booty called my boss last night from the company phone. I may need to brush up my resume.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
That was the most spiritually awakened shit I have ever taken.
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
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