I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
what did you hear about me?
that you are a very nice girl and a pleasure to be around
that was hard to say and not laugh
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
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