I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
Bring your kids so they can distract our kids so we can drink beer in peace.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
Definitely accidentally brought drugs into Disneyland. Considering using them.
If you binge watch Bill Nye Saves the World without me you can consider yourself single
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
I'm getting drunk off Malibu and watching Drag Race and it's only 2 in the afternoon. I'm the poster child for sad gay men.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
Randomize
