I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Just saw a dude hanging out a window upside down chugging a 60 of vodka. This weekend is big for everyone I guess
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.
How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Just told my mom I need money for Molly. She was not happy
be right there i have to get my cape
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
fucking him is like fucking old faithful. you could set your watch by his orgasms.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
Randomize
