No awkward lesbian experiences without me
so the weed I found in my fridge is actually lettuce. tell jim I need that 5 bucks after all
Only now do I see "not intended for use on skin" warning. Wonderful. But hey, my dick smells like magic marker.
No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal
She's posted my bail. Twice. Of course I'm going to be her wing girl.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Randomize
