I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.
It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
I walked in on my sister eating my leftover burrito naked. How could my night have gotten any worse?
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
