i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
Whatevss it will be funn .. Hopefully no one projectile vomits on the wall again.. Its kinda become a tradition though
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I think clothing becomes optional at the second date! But you seem like a rule breaker
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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