Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
Oh my god.. Saw a commercial for Captain Morgan. Made me gag a little bit.
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