Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
Within 24 hours, I went to a feminist documentary screening with two state reps and you hate fucked a rent-a-cop on the helipad of your hospital. Somewhere our lives went in different directions.
I still make more money.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
We went from him going down on me to swapping baby pictures of our moms.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
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