I just made out with a guy for $7.
is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?
Do you think when graham bell invented the phone he ever thought that people would be using them to facebook on the shitter?
They let me out of the holding cell just in time for me to get the morning-after-pill. Rock bottom feels even worse with all those hormones.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
She's like a solid nine. Well maybe not a tomorrow morning nine, but she's a nine right now and trying to take me home.
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I never thought I'd have to apologize for tasting like absinthe and cheetos before tonight
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
Randomize
