I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
I wanted to google "huge banana" but I'm pretty sure all I'd get is dick pictures.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I just remember making out with this kid's friend, washing blood off my hands and hearing the RA's were looking for me.
Mike is so stoned. I just heard him quietly mutter to himself "rock a piss" as he walked down the hall to the bathroom
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..
It's my birthday. I should be drinking mimosas in a top hat, not working.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
wish he had known he had poison ivy on his cock beforehand... Is calamine okay to put on your vag?..
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