Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
then she woke up from sleeping for an hour and the first thing she said was "i regret it already"
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Okay do all 29 year olds have erectile dysfunction or just the two I've slept with?
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I broke my heels and ended up on a random party bus where I passed out after a brief stripper pole incident.
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
Randomize
