the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
For looking exactly like her, she tasted less like her sister than I would've thought
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Like I'm not tryna become president or marry a doctor or some shit here, like one level above garbage is all I'm asking for
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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