She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
Dude, can't find my socks anywhere....
Yeah, you took a shit in the harbor off a wall, used them to wipe. I'm sure they're still on the beach somewhere if you really want them back
We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
I didn't want to fight, I just wanted to tell you to fuckoff.
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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