Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
I'd invite him but there's too many people who have fucked me going already
I might never shower again without beer.. I might also always drink naked
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
BTW send me your address and size of condoms you wish your lover was-- "if you build it, they will come"
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
He seems like a lot more than a waste of tequila
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Randomize
