Your face is a jimmy john
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
You threw up. And every time you flushed you would wave and go "Bye Bye!" and then when the new water came you would greet it with "Helloooo!"
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
are you drunk enough to hook up with me yet?
We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
They have 12 kegs and 40 bottles of liquor and a pool with a diving board. And hardly anyone at this wedding knows me. Should be a great night
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
While running home from the bar in high heels I multi- tasked and sexted with Brent. Jesus.
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
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