I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high
I vagually remember taking your birthcontrol and washing it down with ash water
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
My roommates said duck dynasty was stupid ... toto i don't believe we're in kansas anymore.
I fucked him twice and then he set me up with his teammate. This kid does wonders for me
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Have you ever woken up and said a thank you prayer to the beer gods for allowing you to wake up in the morning and still have the ability to walk and talk? Because we should.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
Randomize
