I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
Call me immediately, my only recent boy news involves me biting a dick.
My nipple ring got caught on the rug again. Tequila makes me unlearn these things
Lol. No. We cannot eat chicken while we have sex. No.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
You wrote me a check. For zero dollars. For my soul. Dick.
I just drunk texted the Italian guy and now I’m flooded with Shane. Uh, shame, not Shane. He sounds nice, though.
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
His family, without saying anything, started a game of quarters the moment the drinks arrived. I love them. If only I didn't hate him so much.
The FEDEX guy just cock blocked me by getting his van stuck in my driveway
Randomize
