We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.
Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
please bring me a paper towel asap.
I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
i made up my own drinking game and i took a secret shot every time someone asked me about school or my future
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
The entire state will know me by my boobs.
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
Randomize
