Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
I just want you to know how happy I am that you are circumcised.
Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Do you wanna do something, or just stare at each other and fantasize about death like we usually do
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
THERE IS WATER LITERALLY DRIPPING OFF OF THE CHANDELIER. I OFFICIALLY HAVE THE WORLD'S WORST RAINFALL SHOWER HEAD.
Randomize
