I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
It's only slutty if you don't have his number. Unless there's a full moon. Then anything goes.
How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
I just googled: how soon can I pee on a stick. What is my life coming to.
I just dropped a chicken nugget on the floor and seriously prayed that it would be ok....I think this job is making me crazy.
Randomize
