So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
she was sure she was an eel. She spent 40 minutes sliterhing on the floor to get to her room
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Randomize
