So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
A Morman just tried to recruit me and I told him "Trust me, you don't want me"
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize
