she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
She said she liked strap-ons.
SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Immediately after sex he layed on the floor and acted like my yellow bra was pac man
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
yeah but really his dick tasted like soap. like i was blowing a bar of soap
It's not "nice." It's the supermodel of dicks.
last night I learned that if you try to buy tacos in this town, that you will be stopped by three cop cars with breathalizers
I get so sad when I watch him slowly destroy his life with whiskey and cocaine. Then he bites my neck and I just want to fuck him. I can't help it.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
